A totally useless and mostly random list of things I've learned in 51 years

Because it's my birthday and birthdays sort of suck

It’s my birthday today. My husband is downstairs with the flu, watching Hot Stove while the cat walks back and forth across his lap as if to rub it in a little bit that cats don’t get the flu. I do not have the flu (yet), but the sum of my birthday celebrations will probably be buying myself a treat when I go to the drugstore to stock up on cough syrup and Advil.

It’s not a big deal. I sort of hate birthdays, anyway. The buildup and the expectations and then the inevitable let-down. Birthdays are sort of like New Years Eve that way. I had a great party for my 50^th last year (thanks, Sara). Beyond that, my birthdays are all a blur. If we’re healthy on Friday, friends are coming over to play Trivial Pursuit, so fingers crossed.

In the meantime, I thought I might as well write a list of totally random and useless things I’ve learned so far. Why not?

1. Arthritis hurts much worse than anyone in your youth leads you to believe.

2. The delight of finding a perfect tulip shell on the beach never fades. It is just as joyful at 51 as it was at 12. Thank goodness for that. If you find something simple that gives you joy like that, never take it for granted.

An abundance of tulips

3. The pitch clock is a brilliant and much-needed baseball rule. (that one’s for David J. Brown, who shares my birthday and my love of baseball and my appreciation for the pitch clock).

4. Many problems can be solved by sticking your face into the belly of a fat and amenable cat.

5. If you do it right, getting older can be a process of learning how little most of the things you once thought mattered actually do. In other words, getting older can be about running out of fucks to give.

6. A whole lot of people do not take the above approach to getting older. Have compassion for those people, but spend as little time with them as possible.

7. It is good to keep a pair of binoculars beside your chair that looks out the window, just to watch the birds on the wire. They’re not exotic birds and they’re not doing anything exciting, but it still feels a little like getting away with something to watch them at a distance having a good scratch.

8. Never stop trying new things, even if you suck at them. Especially if you suck at them.

9. Wear comfortable shoes.

10. Laugh out loud. Your laugh is great. People like hearing your laugh because people like hearing laughter in general. If people don’t like hearing your laugh, well, fuck those people. What’s wrong with them, anyway? Laugh out loud even if you’re the only one. I mean, why aren’t those other people laughing? What’s wrong with them, anyway?

11. Become a regular somewhere. At the coffee shop. At a bar. On that park bench. At the library. Even the McDonald’s. It doesn’t matter. Be the Norm to some specific place. Belong somewhere. Truly, all it takes is showing up and not being an asshole. In fact, sometimes it doesn’t even matter if you’re an asshole. Just show up and people will learn your name and ask how you are and, yes, miss you when you’re gone. Isn’t that the most fucking beautiful thing ever?

12. Plant seeds, even if it’s in a tiny pot on your windowsill, because seeds are the most amazing things on the planet. You put them in the ground and then they grow. How does that even happen? How does our shit species even deserve that? And yet, it happens. Magic.

13. Don’t eat squid, because, you know, they might be smarter than us. Personally, I’d say be careful about what animals you eat in general because a reckoning is coming and humans are not going to do well when the rest of the planet starts taking account.

14. Sing in the shower.

15. Dance in your kitchen.

16. Never, ever, ever argue with anyone on social media or on the internet.

17. Show up.

18. Hug everyone who will let you hug them, hard and long.