Trying something different for this mid-week post. Listen above for some more reflections about gender, kindness, and weakness, including a study about kindness/nurturing in student evaluations of college professors.
Also read this great interview from Isaac Fizgerald’s newsletter, Walk It Off, with Min Jin Lee, author of Pachinko. She also talks about kindness and weakness:
Very often people think kindness and niceness are a form of weakness or fear. That is so not true for me. I really love when people are nice. When people are nice—I think about units of kindness. If there were units of kindness, and you gave me one unit of kindness, I would love to give you 10 units of kindness in return. I love this idea of—let’s call it kindness math.
Because I think kindness is very intentional. It requires a great forbearance. You have to forbear your personal needs. You have to forbear your ego. That takes a lot of inner fortitude, and people don't realize the amount of inner fortitude it requires to say, “You know what? You're king for the day. I’m going to put your needs first.”
I'm not interested in living in the type of world where the winner takes all. I know the people of that world. I know why that world exists. I know the profits and the gains that a person can experience moving through the world with that kind of attitude. But I also know that it's not a very fun world, and it's not the world in which you want your kids to live in, or your neighbors, or anybody, really. So I choose to avoid it.
Because I do find that the more you do it—the kinder you are—the easier it gets. I think generosity or kindness as a sort of muscle, and it's a muscle that is worth developing. There's a lot of upside. It's not all simply sacrifice. Many people think, “Oh, if you do that, you're giving in to something.” To which I respond, "Actually, there's a lot more you get too, and it's a lot easier.” For me being kind is an easier way to move through the world.
So, yeah, kindness does require strength to put into practice. I also like the idea that it is a practice. You have to keep doing it to get better at it. One of the practices I use sometimes (not as often as I should) is metta meditation, or just loving-kindness meditation. The scripts vary a bit, but a standard one goes:
May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
You can substitute whoever or whatever you want for the “you.” Start with yourself. Move out to your family and loved ones. Then someone you feel neutral toward. Next level—someone you do not like. Then your neighborhood or nature or the whole world. Or sometimes, I target people as I’m moving through my day. The barista at the coffee shop. The people I pass on the street. The car driving too slowly in front of me.
What are some practices you use to develop kindness?
The kindness imperative