I have learned it isn't just the expectations, it is the narratives we construct about our lives. For good or ill, I am a story teller, and I hate to admit it but my favorite character is myself, if only in my head, and what age has taught me is that I can use my narrative to make my story a happy one or not. I just have to be careful to keep in mind...it is a story. As a reader and a writer I like a story to be generally light-hearted, but with serious themes. So, I have spent a good amount of time turning things like our initial poverty (sitting on the floor because we had no furniture, not having a car in So Cal because we were too poor for the first 5 years of our marriage, etc.) into a story about how carefree we were, how we spent our money on lots of vinyl records, were content with the small black and white TV and card table we got from my parents, how excited we were about the couch we rescued from a dumpster that had been spray painted orange! But while this positive narrative did have some long term negative effects (like making me think that I needed to make everyone else in my life be as "happy" as I was) it also had a positive effect on my life. For example, it meant that we did a good job of expanding our spending slowly, never getting into debt, and really enjoying the slow but small increases in our standard of living. But then, the disasters in our lives were never really financial, nor were unrealistic expectations a problem in financial areas...since we knew a life in academia wasn't going to make us rich. No the disasters came from completely unanticipated new plot twists with all the emotional pain, worry and fear, when the people you love aren't just unhappy, but in real danger. But again, with age I have watched how I have spun those new plots into - not happy ever after- but good enough. And just as that dumpster was good enough and actually brought me joy, I now understand that no matter what happens, my expectation is that I will both survive, but eventually thrive. Everything else is just a injury away from jettison a winning season, so I might as well enjoy todays game.
Thanks so much for this! I love a good sports metaphor and you're exactly right--who knows how the season will turn out, so might as well enjoy the game. I think that's how a lot of athletes function. Have a short memory about your failures and stay in the moment.
I hear you Robyn and feel your pain. A good friend of mine (and life-long Red Sox fan) says low expectations are the key to happiness. I've reading a new book now called "The Tao of the Backup Catcher" which is, as the author says, "a story about a part of the game that hasn't drifted into a math contest." I think you'd enjoy it. Oh, and because I also caught Reds fever earlier this year, I'm coming to see them play in Cincinnati on the 22nd; part of my bucket list goal to get to all 30 MLB stadiums. I was hoping they would still be in the hunt, but as you say it is looking doubtful. Oh well. I'll enjoy the game and the stadium food and the atmosphere and catching up with a former colleague ... and I'll try not to think about the fact that the regular season will be ending in another week. DJB
That book sounds amazing, David. Checking it out. Yes, so much of baseball has become about math and statistics. You know, you don't have to tell me how fast Elly De La Cruz's home run was in order for me to be impressed.
Enjoy Great American! It's a beautiful stadium, with a gorgeous view of the river. Contemplating whether we can fit it one more game to see Joey Votto for what might be the last time.
I'm writing about the book next Monday on MORE TO COME ... trying to make it tie into Stephen Strasburg's retirement. Votto's a great player. I felt like I was on the same death watch for Juan Soto, Trea Turner, Max Scherzer and others. It can be demoralizing.
Let me know if you decide to take in the 9/22 game. I'll buy you a beer!
You highlight an important -- and possibly unanswerable -- conundrum. Having expectations that are too high means you'll inevitably be disappointed. Too low, and you'll fail to take risks and rise to your potential.
I think, on net, there's an extremely delicate balance between aiming high and being content with failure. To the extent I'm able to do that, it comes from gratitude, staying present vs. worrying about the future, and selectively deploying my Schadenfreude. Sure, my neighbors have more money and a bigger house, but they're not actually happy! They're miserable!
Juxtaposing my expectation of "success" vs. theirs vs. society's at large can be grounding, and helps remind me of the things I do have: safety, security, a loving family, and an opportunity pursue my artistic interests, however unprofitable.
Of course, to be clear, none of this easy! But it's how I try to stay sane. Great post!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Oh, I do love me some Schadenfreude. It's a all a delicate balance and probably one of those annoying things it takes a whole lifetime to figure out.
Thanks, Ellen. Some part of me knows I'm not a loser and then there's another part that derives some strange satisfaction from calling myself a loser. Not sure what that's about. Maybe a subtle way of telling myself to lower my expectations? I don't know.
Glad to know you like locals to speak about your writing. My expectation was that it might seem presumptuous-that my subscription gave me a right to converse. I need a rising expectation.
Ha, ha. Never presumptuous. You should expect to be able to talk about my writing whenever you like, unless you don't like it, and then you should keep it to yourself.
Thank you so much for the mention, Robyn.
You’re very welcome!
I have learned it isn't just the expectations, it is the narratives we construct about our lives. For good or ill, I am a story teller, and I hate to admit it but my favorite character is myself, if only in my head, and what age has taught me is that I can use my narrative to make my story a happy one or not. I just have to be careful to keep in mind...it is a story. As a reader and a writer I like a story to be generally light-hearted, but with serious themes. So, I have spent a good amount of time turning things like our initial poverty (sitting on the floor because we had no furniture, not having a car in So Cal because we were too poor for the first 5 years of our marriage, etc.) into a story about how carefree we were, how we spent our money on lots of vinyl records, were content with the small black and white TV and card table we got from my parents, how excited we were about the couch we rescued from a dumpster that had been spray painted orange! But while this positive narrative did have some long term negative effects (like making me think that I needed to make everyone else in my life be as "happy" as I was) it also had a positive effect on my life. For example, it meant that we did a good job of expanding our spending slowly, never getting into debt, and really enjoying the slow but small increases in our standard of living. But then, the disasters in our lives were never really financial, nor were unrealistic expectations a problem in financial areas...since we knew a life in academia wasn't going to make us rich. No the disasters came from completely unanticipated new plot twists with all the emotional pain, worry and fear, when the people you love aren't just unhappy, but in real danger. But again, with age I have watched how I have spun those new plots into - not happy ever after- but good enough. And just as that dumpster was good enough and actually brought me joy, I now understand that no matter what happens, my expectation is that I will both survive, but eventually thrive. Everything else is just a injury away from jettison a winning season, so I might as well enjoy todays game.
Thanks so much for this! I love a good sports metaphor and you're exactly right--who knows how the season will turn out, so might as well enjoy the game. I think that's how a lot of athletes function. Have a short memory about your failures and stay in the moment.
I hear you Robyn and feel your pain. A good friend of mine (and life-long Red Sox fan) says low expectations are the key to happiness. I've reading a new book now called "The Tao of the Backup Catcher" which is, as the author says, "a story about a part of the game that hasn't drifted into a math contest." I think you'd enjoy it. Oh, and because I also caught Reds fever earlier this year, I'm coming to see them play in Cincinnati on the 22nd; part of my bucket list goal to get to all 30 MLB stadiums. I was hoping they would still be in the hunt, but as you say it is looking doubtful. Oh well. I'll enjoy the game and the stadium food and the atmosphere and catching up with a former colleague ... and I'll try not to think about the fact that the regular season will be ending in another week. DJB
That book sounds amazing, David. Checking it out. Yes, so much of baseball has become about math and statistics. You know, you don't have to tell me how fast Elly De La Cruz's home run was in order for me to be impressed.
Enjoy Great American! It's a beautiful stadium, with a gorgeous view of the river. Contemplating whether we can fit it one more game to see Joey Votto for what might be the last time.
I'm writing about the book next Monday on MORE TO COME ... trying to make it tie into Stephen Strasburg's retirement. Votto's a great player. I felt like I was on the same death watch for Juan Soto, Trea Turner, Max Scherzer and others. It can be demoralizing.
Let me know if you decide to take in the 9/22 game. I'll buy you a beer!
DJB
Looking forward to the review. And now you've tempted me for that 9/22 game. Will keep you posted. Enjoy, either way.
I’m so glad that conversation was meaningful to you! Thank you so much for the shout out. More to come...
Yes, I'm looking forward to it! On the edge of my seat to learn more about magic and fascia.
Just started a chat thread on Unkempt if you want to follow along!
Thanks for the shoutout, Robyn!
You highlight an important -- and possibly unanswerable -- conundrum. Having expectations that are too high means you'll inevitably be disappointed. Too low, and you'll fail to take risks and rise to your potential.
I think, on net, there's an extremely delicate balance between aiming high and being content with failure. To the extent I'm able to do that, it comes from gratitude, staying present vs. worrying about the future, and selectively deploying my Schadenfreude. Sure, my neighbors have more money and a bigger house, but they're not actually happy! They're miserable!
Juxtaposing my expectation of "success" vs. theirs vs. society's at large can be grounding, and helps remind me of the things I do have: safety, security, a loving family, and an opportunity pursue my artistic interests, however unprofitable.
Of course, to be clear, none of this easy! But it's how I try to stay sane. Great post!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Oh, I do love me some Schadenfreude. It's a all a delicate balance and probably one of those annoying things it takes a whole lifetime to figure out.
Loved reading this. And, btw, you are the furthest thing from a loser.
Thanks, Ellen. Some part of me knows I'm not a loser and then there's another part that derives some strange satisfaction from calling myself a loser. Not sure what that's about. Maybe a subtle way of telling myself to lower my expectations? I don't know.
Glad to know you like locals to speak about your writing. My expectation was that it might seem presumptuous-that my subscription gave me a right to converse. I need a rising expectation.
Ha, ha. Never presumptuous. You should expect to be able to talk about my writing whenever you like, unless you don't like it, and then you should keep it to yourself.
Thank you for including my essay here ❤️
You're most welcome!