Our outer shells have been developed by shit that has happened or been said in the past I’m a jovial happy sort of person, so people are surprised to learn that I’m heavily medicated for anxiety and depression. You are fab! And so is your writing.
This was a great blog and I shared it. I often say how I feel about how I'm feeling but I struggle to ask for help-- it's hard and I too have struggled with anxiety for years but I don't hide it well. Kudos to you for doing your best and better and I get it.
Thanks for reading and for sharing, Laura! I don't hide my anxiety very well from the people who are closest to me, for sure. Maybe I don't hide it well from anyone and that's all in my head. But trying to realize it isn't something I need to hide. Glad to know I'm not alone.
I completely understand. I have got better at asking for help over the years. Somewhat. But it's still a bit jangly for me. Especially "selling".
Amanda Palmers book the Art of Asking helped and IFS has helped as well.
As you say it teaches us to love and accept these parts and it also teaches that they *can change their roles* - moving out of self-protection habits the more healed our wounds are - so there is hope! (Dick tells us to be "hope merchants" to our clients).
IFS says that parts never go away, but they can totally change their job - once we understand why they do what they do, and heal the vulnerability underneath. So sending love to your brilliant prickly parts and if they want you can help them to do something different in time! I'm off to buy your book ..... 😊
Thanks so much, Satya. Obviously, so much of what I'm learning about IFS comes from your amazing posts. I like the idea of being able to re-train those voices. Giving them a new and more helpful job.
It's less retraining than finding out why they have to do what they do, removing the reason (by helping vulnerable bits) then letting them choose something new - it's important that they're in charge! But just listening to them & empathising if nothing else should also have a big effect - they'll feel appreciated & see Self & be able to relax a little bit. See what that part says, it might or might not agree with me 😊💚
This post makes me want to send you a big hug because I know how exhausting it is to maintain that “prickly” and tough exterior when you really just want to let it crumble.
One of the things I’ve learned on my psychedelic-assisted therapy journey is that allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for what I need is (in part) to allow myself to live more fully. There’s always a chance that someone I trust might hurt me, but if they do, it’s not about me. It’s about something they’re struggling to overcome. Understanding that makes it easier to take the leap.
And sharing your work is always scary…it gives people a peek into one of the most intimate parts of you. But it looks to me like you have a pretty generous group of readers/champions. 🫶
This was a beautiful post. I relate so much to what your saying about appearing strong, being anxious and longing to be cared for. How wonderful and difficult to be able to name and own that. We are so complex arent we? I really dont think we owe everyone our vulnerable selves but it would be nice to feel freer in that choice.
Thanks, Jen. I am working on at least being able to label and own what I'm feeling. Also, not judging myself for those feelings. So, yes, it is both wonderful and difficult. I think that a lot of us are ducks, who look like we're moving smoothly over the surface of the water when underneath, we're paddling like mad. We definitely do not owe our vulnerability to everyone. Amen to that!
So much of your essay resonates with me. In my family, vulnerability was something to be attacked and mocked. And yet, outside my family, when I show my “soft belly,” often other people will show me theirs just so I know I’m not alone. And you’re not alone either. I wish you the best with your book!
Thanks so much, Marie. It’s hard to let go of those patterns we learn in our families, but glad you’ve found people who are safe to be vulnerable with.
Thanks for sharing that I love how you brought up resentment. Yes that’s exactly how it feels when people are getting the thing you need without realising! I struggle to ask for help because something in me has said “if you were good enough people would just stumble across you and want to help you/buy your stuff/join your workshop” - it makes me think of my 6th form years playing piano in the practice rooms hoping one of the other students would hear and knock on the door and ask to do a duet. They never did. And I told myself it was because I wasn’t a good enough musician. Turns out I could have just put up a poster or asked people outright to collaborate! It is scary though! X
Our outer shells have been developed by shit that has happened or been said in the past I’m a jovial happy sort of person, so people are surprised to learn that I’m heavily medicated for anxiety and depression. You are fab! And so is your writing.
Thanks for sharing that, Betsey. You have no idea how comforting that is to hear. All the smooches.
This was a great blog and I shared it. I often say how I feel about how I'm feeling but I struggle to ask for help-- it's hard and I too have struggled with anxiety for years but I don't hide it well. Kudos to you for doing your best and better and I get it.
Thanks for reading and for sharing, Laura! I don't hide my anxiety very well from the people who are closest to me, for sure. Maybe I don't hide it well from anyone and that's all in my head. But trying to realize it isn't something I need to hide. Glad to know I'm not alone.
Hi Robyn,
I completely understand. I have got better at asking for help over the years. Somewhat. But it's still a bit jangly for me. Especially "selling".
Amanda Palmers book the Art of Asking helped and IFS has helped as well.
As you say it teaches us to love and accept these parts and it also teaches that they *can change their roles* - moving out of self-protection habits the more healed our wounds are - so there is hope! (Dick tells us to be "hope merchants" to our clients).
Anyway - hope you get lots of book sales!
Thanks, Kaspa! I'll definitely check that book out. Need all the help I can get.
I love the idea of hope merchants. Thanks for the IFS insights.
IFS says that parts never go away, but they can totally change their job - once we understand why they do what they do, and heal the vulnerability underneath. So sending love to your brilliant prickly parts and if they want you can help them to do something different in time! I'm off to buy your book ..... 😊
Thanks so much, Satya. Obviously, so much of what I'm learning about IFS comes from your amazing posts. I like the idea of being able to re-train those voices. Giving them a new and more helpful job.
It's less retraining than finding out why they have to do what they do, removing the reason (by helping vulnerable bits) then letting them choose something new - it's important that they're in charge! But just listening to them & empathising if nothing else should also have a big effect - they'll feel appreciated & see Self & be able to relax a little bit. See what that part says, it might or might not agree with me 😊💚
Thanks, Satya!
Such a beautiful essay today!
❤️💋❤️💋
This post makes me want to send you a big hug because I know how exhausting it is to maintain that “prickly” and tough exterior when you really just want to let it crumble.
One of the things I’ve learned on my psychedelic-assisted therapy journey is that allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for what I need is (in part) to allow myself to live more fully. There’s always a chance that someone I trust might hurt me, but if they do, it’s not about me. It’s about something they’re struggling to overcome. Understanding that makes it easier to take the leap.
And sharing your work is always scary…it gives people a peek into one of the most intimate parts of you. But it looks to me like you have a pretty generous group of readers/champions. 🫶
This was a beautiful post. I relate so much to what your saying about appearing strong, being anxious and longing to be cared for. How wonderful and difficult to be able to name and own that. We are so complex arent we? I really dont think we owe everyone our vulnerable selves but it would be nice to feel freer in that choice.
Thanks, Jen. I am working on at least being able to label and own what I'm feeling. Also, not judging myself for those feelings. So, yes, it is both wonderful and difficult. I think that a lot of us are ducks, who look like we're moving smoothly over the surface of the water when underneath, we're paddling like mad. We definitely do not owe our vulnerability to everyone. Amen to that!
So much of your essay resonates with me. In my family, vulnerability was something to be attacked and mocked. And yet, outside my family, when I show my “soft belly,” often other people will show me theirs just so I know I’m not alone. And you’re not alone either. I wish you the best with your book!
Thanks so much, Marie. It’s hard to let go of those patterns we learn in our families, but glad you’ve found people who are safe to be vulnerable with.
Thanks for sharing that I love how you brought up resentment. Yes that’s exactly how it feels when people are getting the thing you need without realising! I struggle to ask for help because something in me has said “if you were good enough people would just stumble across you and want to help you/buy your stuff/join your workshop” - it makes me think of my 6th form years playing piano in the practice rooms hoping one of the other students would hear and knock on the door and ask to do a duet. They never did. And I told myself it was because I wasn’t a good enough musician. Turns out I could have just put up a poster or asked people outright to collaborate! It is scary though! X
It is scary! But we've also all been some version of that person, sitting alone in the practice, hoping someone would ask us to play with them.